What does the shock following the sudden death of a spouse look like? A white board.

When asked what it’s like to suddenly lose your husband, I say it’s like having a white board for the entire span of your marriage. For us, 15 years.

You throw ideas up on it periodically, like a vacation to Hawaii or planting a garden. Things you should do around the house, like paint the office or fix a sink. Even wild hairs to start a food truck or move to Florida get added.

Any and all ideas go up on the board.

Some get crossed off. Some get circled and starred. It’s like a giant dream of what could be, or might be, or is at least fun to think about.

On top of that you have the daily life stuff written in a different color marker for each kid. Pick this one up here, drop that one off there. Dentist, doctor, hockey, all the day-to-day reminders and scheduling. Those things are on the board too.

Nothing ever gets erased. It just keeps growing and multiplying and this glorious mess is your life.

There are years of scribbles on that white board, but one day you walk in and it’s gone.

When your spouse dies suddenly, your white board is completely erased. Like you went to work with it covered in chaos and came back to find it wiped clean. Solid white. Not a thought, plan, or dream left.

Well-meaning people point out that the board is still there to be written on. But for a long while there’s really nothing you want to write.

Eventually I’ll pick up a marker and pull off its heavy cap. I'll write something down because I know I still have a future and need to dream again. But for so long I could only sit in the emptiness of that big blank white board and marvel at all that I've lost.